It disappoints me, to some degree – unbeknownst even to myself..that 2016 is going to end in a week’s time.
And paralleled with the horrors of 2015, well.
It just seems rather ordinary.
But perhaps ordinary is what I need, at least for now. Many times, I’ve been on edge – waiting for the worst, living on the edge. Following the aftermath of the ‘retake’ year, a year of much tribulation; 2016 is much like the calm after the storm.
And whilst I am living in the present, I often find myself in the past. At times I feel relieved I even made it out – but sometimes, I feel displaced.
But these feelings are timely reminders of what happens when you lose sight of your goal, of yourself. You find yourself drifting away, like a lone boat swept away by the tidal wave.
Truth be told, there hasn’t been much that I can affirm for 2016. There haven’t been any pivotal, life-changing, plot twists.
But I suppose that’s what ordinary feels like. It feels like gradual, incremental developments of your character, your purpose, your decisions, and your feelings every single day.
It is still a battle – but in tandem to what you can chew off.
The first semester has been tiring. You know, that feeling like – at times, you’re ready for the world; and other times, you feel like the world needs to back up for a bit. Tiring, but not exactly difficult; per se.
But mostly, I feel like I’m mostly responsible for tiring myself out by overthinking. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, mostly unnecessary..but I do find myself thinking about things, and then re-thinking, and re-thinking the re-thinked thought.
But overall, I’m on safe ground till now. And for that, I’m grateful.
There are some minor fine-tunings I hope to correct, but I find myself pretty lucky to have met a small group of new friends, being a legitimate part of the school, and finally just kinda having life settled.
Maybe this ‘ordinary’-ness comes with setting the bar of expectations too high. I thought that there would be more shit coming my way, honestly – but I guess the crazy bits have been purportedly left behind.
The misgivings, the hurtful incidences, the joy and surprise of unprecedented events..I’ve been through them all.
I guess one word to sum it all up would be: solemn.
Yes, solemn. I don’t mean the face you plaster on when you’re at a funeral, but the axiom that hints at “having serious thoughts”.
With serious thoughts come very-serious-decisions: and to me, those include the following
- being there for people
- being there for myself – sometimes it’s hard, when you don’t particularly think you’re anything great; but some people believe in you and it’s your job to prove them right
- being sincere
- being grateful
- being honest; even if it means you’re upset, or disappointed – or high like a horse.
These may seem like simple things, but they’re rudimentary. When you accept the lows, cherish the highs, and always keep the future in mind; you’re in a good place.
Because you’re human.
And that’s one thing the people of today tend to forget. They tend to think too highly of themselves, or immediately label themselves as a ‘mistake’ when they’re not mainstream.
But what is mainstream, really?
Nobody is exempt from flaws, or insecurities.
Everyone has their story – you have no right to judge others for it, but neither are you entitled to use it as an excuse.
And that’s one thing I bear in mind. It gravitates me; because on days it feels like shit is raining on you, you learn to weather it. And on happier days when rays are glistening off you, you relish them – because they won’t last.
I’m not sure what awaits me in 2017 but as long as I guard this, it’ll be fine. Little by little, slow and steady.
The turtle wins the race.